1. Always Flee
The Spiritual writers tell us that every deadly sin can be faced and conquered. For every deadly sin, we can cultivate the contrary virtue even while facing circumstances which provoke these sins. For example, to conquer anger, we can seek out the person that annoys us and intentionally speak kindly to them.
This holds true for every deadly sin except lust. This sin, because it comes from the generative power in man, as Scupoli writes, must always been avoided at all costs (The Spiritual Combat
Do not presume on your own strength despite the fact that after many years spent in the world you have remained firm against the force of concupiscence. For lust often achieves in one instant what whole years could not effect. Sometimes it will make long preparations for the assault. Then the wound is more dangerous when it comes least expected and under a disguise (The Spiritual Combat
, ch. 19).
Therefore, immediately stop watching movies that have this suggestive content. Immediately turn away from all immodesty forced in front of you. Your spouse is the only one you should ever look upon–and even then, only with moderation. Always flee from this sin and be more willing to die than expose yourself to it. If you are forced by some necessity to be exposed, then keep your eyes down as much as possible and speak abruptly without forsaking charity. The spiritual writers are very clear on this: do not allow a false obligation to courtesy make you put down your guard with others.
2. Accountability and Frequent Confession
Once you have acknowledged that you are powerless against lust and must always flee, you have to get another man to be your accountability partner. This man’s job is to keep you accountable to your good resolutions to conquer lust. He is someone to challenge you to fight manfully against this sin, and also someone to call upon when you are being tempted.
It is important to note that your accountability partner should not be your woman. Your woman needs to be able to rely on you to be the rock and confessing your sins to her (especially those of the flesh) only causes her grief and fear. Confess your falls to your brother, not your woman. Your bother will strengthen you, but your woman will be harmed by this.
Then you must frequent Confession. Confession absolves your sin, but also gives grace to overcome future sins. Thus also you must remember to confess mortal sins against lust even if you have not committed them since your last confession. Provided you are not falling into scrupulosity (see below), confessing your past mortal sins gives grace to not fall into them in the future. This is a lesser known teaching about the Sacrament and some priests who are not well-formed will actually try to prevent this. But understand that this type of confession (called a “confession of devotion”) is a great help for growing in holiness and overcoming lust.
3. Take refuge with the Blessed Virgin Mary
Our Lady is the Mother of Purity. Run to her when you flee of this temptation. Consider her Immaculate Heart and her Perpetual Virginity. She is your Mother. St. John Cassian says to think about your sister or mother when encountering this sin (The Institutes
When we run to Our Lady we feel ashamed of our weak nature in feeling the attraction to impurity. But instead of rejecting us, she helps us with the tenderness of a mother and gives us protection. If we have been unfortunate to fall into this sin, she keeps us from falling into despair and helps us return to the Lord.
Moreover, Our Lady is the most powerful human to obtain the grace of chastity to overcome this demon. What our own prayer cannot obtain, she obtains by her prayers. It shows the Lord humility when we ask Our Lady for help, because we acknowledge our unworthiness before Him. This humility fights against the pride of presumption when can cause a fall if you do not flee.
Finally, pray the Rosary. Mental prayer is essential for holiness but in particular this sin uses images to cause men to fall. The Holy Rosary is the easiest and most effective way to practice mental prayer. Take refuge in the mysteries of our Lord and our Lady and entrust yourself to her care.
4. Reject all scrupulosity
Prummer defines scrupulosity as “a state of groundless fear rather than the judgment of a sound mind” (no. 144). He identifies the signs of scruples: an excessive anxiety about previous confessions, protracted accusations of irrelevant details, stubbornness which refuses to accept the decisions of the confessor. Scrupulosity is really rooted in pride and it is cunning trick of the Devil to use sin as an occasion for this greater sin of pride. One must always maintain peace of mind, even after a fall into sin. Recognize your utter dependence upon God’s grace to overcome this, and pray in the words of Scupoli:
WHEN YOU REALIZE that you have been wounded by sin, whether through weakness or malice, do not lose your courage or become panic-stricken. Turn to God with a great and humble confidence saying: “See, O Master, what I am able to do. When I rely on my own strength, I commit nothing but sins.”
Meditating on this, recognize the extent of your humiliation and express to our Lord your sorrow for the offense committed. With an unperturbed heart, indict your vicious passions, especially the one that has occasioned your fall, and confess: “O Lord, I would not have stopped at this had not Your goodness restrained me.”
Give thanks to God, and more than ever give to Him the complete love of your heart. What generosity on His part! You have offended Him and, despite this, He extends His hand to prevent another fall (Spiritual Combat, ch. 26).
The Enemy wishes to make you fall, and then by scrupulosity to increase your pride and blindness and reliance on your self. Reject his machinations. If you fall, use the occasion for a greater humility and greater dependence upon God. Maintain your peace and run to confession.
5. Pray the violent Psalms and fast
Most unfortunately, the reform of the Liturgy of the Hours removed much of the violent imagery from the Church’s prayer book, the Holy Psalter. Our fathers used these verses to combat the very violent passions–especially lust–with a greater spiritual violence. The passion of lust is, in one sense, the most powerful temptation because it is imbedded in our nature to procreate. Thus all unlawful desire must be cut off violently without a moment’s hesitation, or else we quickly run the risk of consenting and falling into sin. Hear the words of the Doctor of Moral Theology:
It is necessary to remark, that, when the thought which excites the delight is against chastity, we are, according to the common opinion of theologians, bound under pain of mortal sin to give a positive resistance to the delectation caused by the thought; because, if not resisted, the delight easily obtains the consent of the will. ”Unless a person repel delectations,” says St. Anselm, ”the delight passes to consent, and kills the soul” (S. Ans. Simil., c. xl.). Hence, though a person should not consent to the sin, if he delight in the obscene object, and do not endeavor to resist the delectation, he is guilty of a mortal sin, by exposing himself to the proximate danger of consent (St. Alphonsus, Sermon XVIII Sun. after Pentecost).
Therefore, let a man employ the weapons of prayer given by the Prophet:
In thy mercy thou wilt destroy my enemies. And thou wilt cut off all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant (Ps. cxlii. 12).
Let all my enemies be ashamed, and be very much troubled: let them be turned back, and be ashamed very speedily (Ps. vi. 11).
And I shall beat them as small as the dust before the wind; I shall bring them to nought, like the dirt in the streets (Ps. xvii. 43).
In the morning I put to death all the wicked of the land: that I might cut off all the workers of iniquity from the city of the Lord (Ps. c. 8).
For more, see the Seven Penitential Psalms.
With this, you must fast. This is because lust is in the concupiscible appetite, which is your faculty which desires bodily goods–both the marital debt and food. Thus when we abstain from food, we are subduing the same faculty that is tempted in lust. Therefore fasting is essential to acquire chastity over your concupiscible appetite. Chastity is vital whether you are married or not, so let every man rise to the fight and conquer this demon which grips our world today. Victory is possible, as all our Fathers attest. Do not lose hope and rise again and again to the battle until your enemy is crushed. All nations compassed me about; and in the name of the Lord I will destroy them (Ps. cxvii. 10).
Timothy S. Flanders
@meaningofcath
A question: How do we know if we just talking to each other and looking at our eyes sometime. Is it a lusts!
Hello Margaret my sister,
In answer to your question, I would ask: are you attracted to this person? If so, it is unlikely you can look them in the eyes and not take delight in vinereal desire, which is lust and a mortal sin. If you feel no attraction, and this desire does not at all come into your mind, then there is no sin. From what I can tell from our holy faith, there would be this distinction:
Intellectual pleasure: when seeing anything or anyone of beauty. This pleasure is immediate and entirely involuntary. Anything involuntary is not a sin. For example: if a man is walking down the street and sees a beautiful woman and immediately turns his eyes away. This is not a sin, and yet by identifying “beauty” he has an intellectual pleasure only in the sense that he is defining something as beautiful.
Vinereal pleasure: this is a willful pleasure in the concupiscible appetite, not the intellect. In other words, your intellect presents you with some beauty and you make an act of the will to take delight in it (either mentally or physically seeing it). For example, a man sees the beautiful woman and chooses to continue to look at her (act of will) because he is delighting in her beauty. According to the Doctor of Moral theology quoted above, this is a mortal sin because it places you in the near occasion of consenting to further sin. Consider the seven stages of sin:
Suggestion
Pleasure
Consent
Act
Habit
Slavery
Spiritual Blindness
As soon as you wilfully take pleasure, you have entered mortal sin for lust. The spiritual writers are very strong on this.
That’s about the best I can do to answer your question so I hope that helps. I would try to seek out a holy priest who has been formed in the moral theology of the Tradition (very priests are formed this way anymore) and consult with him. If you can’t find one, read Scupoli I mentioned above or look at the resources for other essential spiritual works: https://meaningofcatholic.com/resources/
In Jesus and Mary,
Timothy
Based on the example you sighted, by looking at a woman and delighting in her beauty or admiring her as God’s handiwork but without any desire to sin with her or commit anything impure. can this thought in ones mind(or sometimes expressed) be sinful? Or even
The answer to your question requires the distinction that is made by the saints between the perfect and sinners. St. Vitalis, for example, bought prostitutes and then preached the gospel to them and converted them. So obviously he could look at a woman’s beauty and not sin. But he was among the perfect. To us sinners, it is foolish to think we have this sanctity, and safer to avoid looking at every woman’s beauty (save your spouse) altogether. Nevertheless, charity must be observed and all scrupulosity rejected. If you are not sure whether or not you have sinned, confess it, offer reparation, and be at peace. When you are forced by necessity to look at a beautiful woman, keep everything in the intellect and think about her as your sister and someone else’s spouse. Avoid talking to her or looking more than is necessary. Never develop an unnecessary friendship with her. If you are single, it is permitted to desire the beauty of a woman for marriage, but this must be carefully moderated as well. Certainly a friendship is a necessary step in courtship as well. If you are single, I recommend listening to the talk “The Four Stages of Courtship” from Fr. Ripperger (see Youtube).
This, as far as I understand it, is the teaching and wisdom of the saints. But don’t take my word for it. Read the sources I give here, pray to the Virgin, and God will guide you.
in Jesus and Mary,
Timothy
Good read and reminder,
Thankyou
Glad it was helpful. God bless!
Thanks brother! I am struggling a lot with not just seeing beautiful women in the mall where i work, but as well as ‘staring’ at them and their body, and then I look away. Ofcourse nothing else after this.
But I just want to break off off this. So please pray for me, and I will meditate on above poins.
God bless you Tim, my brother in Christ!
Brother: remember that these women are someone’s sister, daughter, wife or future wife! Remember our Lord’s words: he who looks at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her in his heart. Flee this mortal sin and fight with all your might against this beast, calling upon the Lord, Who will deliver you and make you into a man of God. Go to confession any time it happens because this is a grave sin! God be with you and fight the good fight.
“Your spouse is the only one you should ever look upon”
And for the poor saps doomed never to be married?
“Doomed never to be married”? No one is doomed like that. “Look upon” here means look with sexual attraction.
Excuse me brother, do you also think that the seven stages of sin which are:
Suggestion
Pleasure
Consent
Act
Habit
Slavery
Spiritual Blindness
can be broken through confession?
Absolutely. But if you are locked in a higher stage of sin it takes time to heal with frequenting the Sacraments and lots of penance and the grace of God. But it is possible!
Would I be correct in understanding that, as a man, I would be foolish to go in to the medical field of ob/gyn,
Out of charity to a male ob/gyn, should females avoid going to them and instead always choose a female doctor when available? The Church seems to be silent on this issue, but everything I read would lead me to believe this. Your thoughts please, along with any known Church teaching on the subject. Thank you.
I’m not aware of any Church teaching but what comes to mind is the traditional role of deaconesses in the early Church. These were non-ordained women who baptized women since at that time baptism was done in the nude. Midwifes is also a traditionally female role. Thus it would seem appropriate for these areas of medical health to be covered by the appropriate genders.
Timothy,
Let me know if I have misunderstood, the second wilful glance is mortally sinful?
I am courting a girl who is beautiful and dresses modestly and sometimes shares her outfit and asks my opinion, and we often video call eachother.
In gazing at her, am I in mortal sin? When she sends me a photo of her outfit and i appreciate her beauty momentarily two or three times, is this mortally sinful? would looking into eachothers eyes be then mortal as well? I always avoid any second looks at her body and she always dresses modestly to cover it anyway.
I dont give time or space in my mind to any of the clear and overt lustful thoughts and beat them away with prayer when they present themselves.
Trad priest has given me this advice: the second or third glance back would be considered only partial indulging in illicit thoughts and therefore not mortally sinfu. St Alphonsus seems pretty clear that ANY willful indulgence/delight/pleasure entailed by the wilful second glance destroys the soul.
If this is the case, I am going to find it difficult to even video call with the girl I am courting without constantly wondering if I am delighting in her beauty. If we have to do only audio calls then thats what we will do. She is overseas currently,
May God bless you, and thank you.
Hello brother. I’m not a priest or a moral theologian so don’t take my word as authoritative. Just do a priest tells you. It would seem that one can delight in a woman’s beauty and desire a woman for a wife, and all that entails, since that is part of courtship and betrothal. Yet at the same time this desire is tempered during courtship and betrothal obviously. The whole thing is an effort to order your mind and desire toward your woman properly, but this also includes a virtuous desire for the conjugal act, it must simply be ordered and tempered and not “let go” into all sorts of thoughts to lose your chastity. When I wrote about a willful glance I was discussing someone who is not married or courting another, and that willful glance is mortal. However, for one who is courting you can’t fail to look at your woman, as this is part of the courtship process. You just need to do this virtuously. Hope that helps.